Ancient Warriors (2003)

This movie is just incredibly bad. It's not even "nice mindless action".Horrible action scenes, no matter if it is clumsy fourth grader wrestling style looking hand to hand combat or slow, plodding gun fights.I didn't expect this to be a well written story or anything, but I have never felt so much disdain for the "heroes".The dialogues are scandalously dumb.Without giving away too much of the movie: There are NUMEROUS scenes where the heroes act DOWNRIGHT stupid and incompetent, plus quite often they run away like scared little girls when having an advantage in numbers during the "fights". Anyone who will find him-/herself rooting for the "good guys" must have the patience and love for good only a buddhist monk can have, because the script and the acting aren't helpful in any way to feel for those guys.The subplot gives you a mentally disabled daughter of the hero whose role is downright offending AND annoying it made me BEG she would get killed or something like that.If you still want to watch this: 1. Make sure you have a soft spot for bad movies 2. Make sure you like to comment a lot during bad movies 3. Make sure you have people with you who fulfill 1 and 2.Worked for me to a degree. But don't even try watching & analizing this in serious fashion, it is THAT bad.

Up until now, I have never stumbled upon a dollar DVD that wasn't worth a dollar. I would have thought that anything would be worth one miserable dollar. The forty years of fiscal irresponsibility that began with Lyndon Johnson's final debasement of our currency has reduced the once-mighty dollar to subatomic dimensions; and at the rate the current administration continues to pile up debt, it will not be long before it will take Avogadro's number of the wretched things just to buy a handyman's special, dry-rotted, termite-infested two-bedroom firetrap in the middle of a malarial swamp. What could possibly be so worthless that it is not worth one stinking, lousy, butt-wiping dollar? Well, this movie is it, folks. It is not worth a dollar. It is not worth a ten cent coupon for cottage cheese that blew out the window and landed on top of a manure pile. It is so bad that no combination of known adjectives could do justice to it. It is not even so bad that it is entertaining. It is just so bad that it is not worth a dollar.Why do I feel this way? Well, here comes the big, bad spoiler: The ancient warriors are little more than translucent, badly composited wall decorations, and they make only the briefest cameo appearances. Aren't they the smart ones? The rest of the movie involves nothing more original than a series of pointless and poorly staged shootouts between an unlikeable and unconvincing bunch of good guys and a gang of bad guys whose leader (even by today's laissez-faire standards) ought to have his mouth washed out with Lysol and be sent to the penalty box for unnecessary profanity. But possibly he was only voicing his true feelings about this movie. If so, I can understand. Before I was even twenty minutes deep in this excrement, I wanted to shoot everyone involved, including the producers.I would like to conclude with a protest against having to give one star to this abomination. It is not worth one star. It is not worth zero stars. It is not even worth one crummy dollar.

Like another reviewer of this movie, I found myself fast-forwarding through this turkey. I rarely do that, because I like to watch the whole thing in order to write an informative review. But in this case, it was just so direly tedious that I gave up very quickly and skimmed through, watching a few minutes here and there.Accordingly, I won't go into the plot, because I didn't watch enough to figure it out. But from what I did see I gather that a sick guy (Lynch) was searching for an artifact (possibly the Grail) in order to cure himself of some disease. Others, including Columbo, try to stop him. The "Ancient Warriors" of the title seem to appear only at the very end, in order to stop Lynch - literally about two minutes of screen time. Otherwise this is just a sub-standard action film.And it is pretty awful. Mostly this is down to truly awful acting, the king of which is Columbo, but all are pretty dire. Columbo was a body-building buddy of Schwarzenegger in the before times and it really shows which of them got the acting talent. In fact, Columbo makes Lou Ferrigno look like a Shakespearean thespian by comparison. He really is awful.Still don't believe me? Let's just say that Lynch is the subtlest of all the actors, many of whom look like they were doing their first job. And I never thought I'd ever say Lynch was subtle.The action seems pretty standard - for a TV show. For a movie it comes well below expectations. Thank God for the Fast Forward button!All in all, this movie is a waste of time. Don't bother.PS: Normally when I say don't bother I kinda hope you'll watch and find the movie as bad as I told you it would be. But in this case I REALLY mean "Don't bother!" But hey! It's your lifespan. You can waste it if you like!

You have to have a little patience with this movie, sort of like with the first season of ST:TNG. It gets a little better as it goes along, and the actors get used to each other and their roles. Franco Columbo looks great, for someone who's 60 (or even someone who's 40), but he's totally unbelievable running around with a couple of pistols. He doesn't seem to know just what to do with them. It's better when he's carrying a machine pistol, but he's "The World's Strongest Bodybuilder", not a martial artist or action hero. His performance varies from pretty good to less than average. He's more believable in the non-combat scenes.Supporting cast is good, performance more even, overall better than average, but the script and plot are both a little weak. The dialog, and the action scenes, are mostly ordinary and unimaginative. You've seen it all before, but better.If you're considering this movie because of a "supernatural battle against the ultimate evil" blurb (from the DVD I watched), you're going to be disappointed. Whoever wrote that has more imagination than the scriptwriters, and probably never saw the movie. Don't expect much from the 'Ancient Warriors' of the title. They seem more of an afterthought, and play a very minor role in the movie.There's some entertainment value here, but, like I said, you'll have to be patient and let it dribble out.