Buying the Cow (2002)

Undoubtedly one of the worst films I have suffered.The acting is adequate, the ensemble cast doesn't exhibit any significant shortfalls in this regard.The humor, however is base, vulgar and just plain not funny.Some of the reviewers marvel this film did not achieve theatrical release. The reasons why should not be amazing. Its just not funny.The "funny" scenes include a man stepping in his own vomit after believing he participated in homosexual acts, then falling out a window completely naked only to accost a boy for his t-shirt, before the boys father sees the naked man standing in front of his not shirtless son.Yes, homo-erotic-vomit-stepping-pedophiles are the height of this film's humor.My friend who showed me the film claimed that sequence was the pinnacle.I would hate to see the film's low point.I would rather sit through the non-MST3K version of Manos: Hands of Fate.

This had a better than average cast and a not so bad script.Jerry O'Connell has a deadline to decide if he is going to marry his girlfriend of 5 years or not. While she is away in New York establishing her career, he decides to see if dating anyone else will help him sort out his feelings.On the plus side, the movie doesn't follow all the clichés we would expect. There is a laugh-out-loud segment early on when Jerry O'Connell tells his friends a secret that we think is going to reveal his sentimental side, but goes in a different direction. There is a reoccurring theme about knowing oneself, which several characters are trying to do, but those subplots don't exactly end up where we expect either.This movie doesn't exactly get crude or crass, but it's not a sappy chick flick, either. Which means that it is pleasant enough for a couple to agree on for their next movie night, but that neither one is going to love it so much that they have to go out and buy it afterwards.

There is no way for me to accurately convey how terrible this movie is, but I will try. Buying the Cow is one of those movies that you never knew existed and upon discovering wished that you could altogether forget, but can't because it is such a wonderful example of what people should not do with studio money. Aside from the lackluster plot, stock characters and painfully unfunny bathroom jokes which seem to run rampant throughout the movie (most of which are so belabored as to remove the possibility of eliciting even a measly chuckle) there is something so weary about the movie that you begin to wonder if it may have been written by an Old Hollywood heavyweight trying to make a comeback in the new century and only succeeding in poorly rehashing the old jokes and stereotypes that made him successful forty or more years ago.

Just when I thought I'd seen the worst teen-oriented romantic comedies... this baby hits me. And when I say hit, I mean like a dropkick to my stomach. You may think you've seen it all, but you haven't seen this... and you should consider yourself lucky. Like Walt Becker's previous directing attempt(which was about as big of a train-wreck as this one), this features Ryan Reynolds and has incredibly poor taste in humor and will disgust just about everyone who watches it, at one point or another. Granted, this isn't as sick or graphic as Van Wilder, but it's every bit as poor. Becker decides that his talentless direction isn't enough to torture us poor viewers, and tried to write the script for this mess. Luckily, he co-wrote it with Peter W. Nelson... who doesn't seem to have written another movie neither before nor since. I don't think I have to tell you just how poorly written the film is, as the direct result of this. The love story is contrived, sappy and unbelievably predictable. The acting is just bad. The characters are never credible, their actions make no conceivable sense and all of them are paper-thin stereotypes. The humor is so painfully obvious and stupid that I can't see anyone finding it funny. The jokes are poorly set up, never funny, and repeated to the point where we're sick of them. There's only one good thing about this movie, and it's Alyssa Milano as a stripper. If you consider that reason enough to see the movie, then be my guest. Lord knows that was the only reason I gave the movie any chance at all. I recommend this to fans of romantic teen comedies and Alyssa Milano. Anyone else shouldn't bother. In fact, if you doubt you would like it, then don't watch it. It's most likely not worth your time. 5/10