Hatchet (2006)

I generally love horror movies and tend to be biased in grading them, but I'm telling you to skip this one. This movie starts off with two guys in a boat. They see an alligator and we cut to a group of friends and a Debbie Downer, or David Downer in this case. Apparently his best friend, the token black guy, is trying to take him to Mardi Gras to cheer him up. Anyway, the movie continues when he walks away and his best friend follows him. Main guy complains that seeing the women, topless, just remind him of his attractive girlfriend who left him for a jock. I can't imagine why she left you. He drags his friend to a weird horror shop and Candy Man makes an appearance. They leave the shop because he's close and go to another tour guide place, with an Asian tour guide, and see a director and two random girls making an adult film. Didn't main guy just complain about shirtless girls? Now he doesn't care? They meet the tour guide and join the other tourists: an old couple and a random girl. Best friend is enamored with the brunette film star and they spend the ride flirting. Main guy likes random girl, but she tells him to screw off.Tour guide is obviously full of crap, but they decide to go on a tour with him anyway. When they get on the boat they hear a guy shouting at them not to go. The guide ignores him saying that he's just a random guy who drinks his own pee. They speed off, and the movie shows the guy drinking his own pee. It's not funny, it's nasty, and was not needed. They crash into a rock and get off onto nearby land. As they do that, old man gets his foot bitten off by an alligator.Later, best friend and tour guide asks random girl why she even brought a gun on the tour in the first place and she says that she won't answer a con artist. He admits that he's just looking to make money, and explains that he's done a tour before and it went okay. Tour guide asks again and she answers "my dad and brother were killed, so I got on the tour to find them. It's cheaper than getting my own boat." Blonde film star says it doesn't explain the gun, and random girl replies that the woods aren't safe. Old woman reminds them that her husband needs help. Group ponders staying, because they can't move him around too much, but random girl says they can't stay in the woods because these are "his" woods.She then tells them a story about a guy and his deformed son (elephant man). Elephant man got made fun of by local children. He ended up dying because local teenagers were trying to see him, so they threw fireworks inside his house causing it to catch fire. The dad came home to open the door, but it wouldn't budge, so he used a hatchet; he accidentally kills his son and died of a broken house.After the story, everyone is freaking out and wanting to know what to do. Some suggest they stay there and wait for help, but the random girl says that they can't because they're right in front of his haunted house. She says the road is behind the house, and the blonde girl says she doesn't want to go that way. The old couple decide to go that way to look for some help, and they discover a house (Elephant man's house), and Elephant man comes out to get them. The random girl pulls out a gun and waits until Elephant man kills them both before she decides to shoot him. Really? The group freaks out because random girl told them that he was a ghost, and you shouldn't be able to shoot a ghost. In the midst of this, best friend has climbed a tree and says he sees city lights, but they're pretty far away. The brunette asks where the director is, and we (audience) see him running and Elephant man kills him. Answers that question. The group keeps going before best friend sparks an argument with tour guide, and they start fist fighting. Um? I'm pretty sure y'all don't have time to be fist fighting. Group finds the directors bag and find out he's not a director, he's just a sick guy making films for his own amusement. They later find his body and mourn over him for a short time. I'm just going to keep the rest short. They all run around and the Elephant man kills the tour guide and brunette. They plan to set him on fire and he kills the blond. The remaining three run off and the best friend ends up dying. The main guy and girl get on a boat, she gets drug under water and he reaches for her. Dude, you've only known her for less than a day to be risking your life like that. The monster comes back and attacks them, the end. No, it actually ends that way.Everything is just terrible. The plot makes no sense, the person with the best weapon sucks, and the ending was chopped up. The characters are terrible. The old couple are boring background characters that were upgraded in this movie. The best friend is the trope of the token black guy. The tour guide is just a con artist. The rest are just plain bad. The main guy and his love interest manage to be worse than a freaking con artist, and that's pretty bad considering that the movie WANTS us to hate the con artist.

Saw this on a DVD in 2007. I jus picked up the DVD without knowing anything bah it. The tag line n the DVD poster raised up my curiosity. Loved the film. I have the dvds of all the 3 parts. Hav become a fan of the director Adam Green. Its like a typical 80s slasher with non stop body count with amazing special effects. Tourists on a New Orleans haunted swamp tour find themselves stranded in the woods, their evening of fun turns into a horrific nightmare. Hunted by a madman in the swamps. Sounds 80 huh? OK nothing new with the story but don't lose hope. This movie is a gore fest of epic proportions. This film is indeed An old school American horror. Indeed this film gav birth to a new horror icon. John Carl Buechler's special effects are brilliant and the soundtrack, by Andy Garfield, play a strong role in creating the atmosphere. Arms and legs are ripped off, jaw bones r ripped apart, heads are torn and twisted off, bodies are set ablaze, shoulders r ripped apart by belt sanders, bodies r thrashed against wall as if thrashing a whip against a wall, crowbar pierced inside foot, .....n lots of tits. I jus wanted a lil more crocodile action. The death scene of Richard Riehle was way over the top. I was laughing n rolling. Genre cameos by Robert Englund, Tony Todd, John Carl Buechler n Kane Hodder.

i watched this movie years ago, and it was one of the only movies i wouldn't read reviews on before i watched... randomly came across them recently... I've only read like the 10 most recent reviews of this movie and they honestly just annoy me. first of all... why years after this movie was made, let everyone know that because of all the hype you decided to watch it...?anyone expecting Hatchet to be anything more than just straight up ridiculous gory fun is a complete idiot. Green himself doesn't understand why it was depicted as the next era of horror, or an homage to old school slashers. a director who enjoys horror movies to the fullest, came up with an entire new serial killer, with a very classic background story, wrote a hilarious script filled with horror stereotypes and clichés, and just buckets and buckets of blood... what more could you ask for? what more could you want?how about everyone just calm down. sit back. and just give it a chance. i thoroughly enjoyed hatchet, and both sequels.(there are a few icons in this movie, do you think they would be in it for no reason?)

A truly frightening horror film from the talented hand of director Adam Green which succeeds in terrifying as well as being funny. The wit is as sharp as the titular instrument of mayhem and the satire and sarcasm is quite effective. Green uses his limited budget with the expertise of the true cinema artist and never lets any of the corners cut to be obvious. The cast is uniformly excellent and each actor creates a character that is totally unique and human. There is certainly blood shed but never gratuitously and always in furtherance of the plot. Parents should be warned that the proceedings are intense and the suspense unrelenting, so keep you children out of the viewing area as you immerse yourself in the cinema experience known as Hatchet.