Mean Machine (2001)

I just found this at my local library, and I was surprised I hadn't heard of it before. Now that I've seen it, I can see why it had gone unnoticed. Featuring a cadre of the main actors from "Greenfingers" and "Lock, Stock, & Two Smoking Barrels", when the opening credits rolled and I saw "Based on the film 'The Longest Yard'", I went "Uh oh". Being an American, is it unpatriotic of me to say I this is nearly the equal of the original? Of course, there's very few movies with Burt Reynolds that are worth more than a glance("Deliverance" being a huge exception). While "The Longest Yard" tried to be so hip and anti-establishment, "Mean Machine" is just fun, and we get to see David Kelly play a sweet old fart. Now there's a surprise, but he's so good at it! One-time sex symbol David Hemmings gets a big nod just for his eyebrows, which are massive, but he has this air of barely-controlled rage that I always enjoy, such as in "Last Orders", and I enjoyed seeing Vinnie Jones with long hair. Hey, it's only about an inch long, but that's long compared to most of his roles. There's some pathos, a tiny bit of sex, and some barely-adequate, mostly slapstick & boots in the groin humor. My favorite funny bit was the football commentary by Bob & Bob(Jason Flemyng & Jake Abraham), and the fact the guards' side wore kit that looked like Barstoneworth United("Ripping Yarns"- "Golden Gordon") All in all, as a prison movie, this is no "Green Mile". It's barely up with "Lucky Break". As a soccer/football movie, it's no "Goal!", but it's better than what I'd expect "Soccer Dog" was. It's fun, I was entertained, and that's not a bad thing. The only truly terrible thing is it forced me to look back at the work of Burt Reynolds for this review.

Vinnie Jones - about as Welsh as Sean Connery - was the worst footballer ever to play for Wales.I realise that's rather a rash statement but I'd back it up by saying he was the worst player ever to turn out for Wimbledon,a team not known for their adherence to the "Beautiful Game" ethos.His fame - apart from nearly crippling Liverpool's star winger in the second minute of the 1988 Cup Final - rests mainly on a photograph of him squeezing boy - child Paul Gascoigne's testicles in a tender moment.That really says all you need to know about him. Reading his Filmography just now I am mystified at the number of movies he has graced with his presence.Is it just me? Anyhow,"Mean Machine" is typical of the no - brainer bullet - headed roles he accepts as to the manner born. Appalling overacting by everybody,limping direction,Am - Dram production values and a script written by a computer set to "Cockney " mode.....and they're the good points.... Even with 10 pints of Stella and a Mutton vindaloo down your gullet it's still frankly unbearable.

If sometimes just lacking the creativity and vitality of the 1974 film, this is an above average sports/prison drama. There are some flaws though, one or two of the characters are thinly sketched, the plot is a touch simplistic and the first half hour just lacked the energy of the latter half of the film. That said, this is well worth watching. The whole film is excellently filmed and directed, and the soccer scenes are very well done. The final third is absolutely riveting, and really makes you want to see what the outcome is at the end. The music score is fine, and the performances are very good. Vinnie Jones is convincing in his first leading role, and David Kelly is stellar as the benevolent Doc. The best pieces of casting are (despite the accent) Jason Statham as maverick keeper and Jason Flemying's rather unconventional commentator. In conclusion, this is a good film. 7/10 Bethany Cox

I knew this title mainly because of the lead actor, and that it had football involved somewhere, so I watched it. Basically ex-England football captain Danny 'Mean Machine' Meehan (Vinnie Jones) is in jail for drunken driving and assault on two police officers, but because of his celebrity status he isn't much liked by all the other inmates, especially as he let them down in a crucial World Cup game. He keeps his head down for a little while until the opportunity to change the lives of the prisoners by putting one over on the guards. Led by Danny, the prisoners are trained ready to face the guards in a football match. So it comes to the match, and not even the death of Doc (David Kelly) gets them down, and they start really well. There is a point when Danny is threatened by the Governor (David Hemmings) that he could get a longer sentence, as he might have been involved in Doc's death, but he knows they have to win, and it is after they win that opponent Burton (Cape Wrath's Ralph Brown) gets him out of trouble to enjoy victory. Also starring Creep's Vas Blackwood as Massive, Robbie Gee as Trojan, Geoff Bell as Ratchett, Footballer's Wives' John Forgeham as Charlie Sykes, Smack the Pon's Sally Phillips as Tracey, Danny Dyer as Billy the Limpet, Jason Statham as Monk, Omid Djalili as Raj and Jason Flemyng as Bob Likely. Jones is a good rough character, and all the supporting actors, particularly Hemmings, Sykes and Statham add good support, while it takes a little while to get to, the football game, well, and maybe a little of the training for it, is fun to watch, a real boys movie. Good!