7 Mummies (2006)

This is kind of like a cheap-o version of From Dusk Til Dawn, you get the criminals and their hostage who end up in a bar in the desert full of sexy women. The women and a bunch of other patrons turn out to be vampires, so they end up fighting for their lives to escape. What makes Seven mummies unique (and also quite confusing) is that the bar is actually the saloon in some kind of magical ghost town full of people dressed like cowboys. As our anti-heroes escape from the bar, the sheriff and his deputies come after them while non of the vampires do. Strangely enough, the sheriff and his men opt for using fire-arms rather than sucking their blood so I guess they are not vampires. Well what about the mummies of the title then? They do show up, more than an hour into the film, and it turns out they are martial art, Christian monk mummies. The criminals manage to run away from the karate monk undead, only to bump into the sheriff - who seems to also be the priest considering his monologues - and have to escape from him. It's just a big mess.Other than that, the pacing isn't the best and there is a general amateurish feel to the whole thing. I think, with a more clear story line, less vampires and ninja mummies, it could have been OK, but the confusion breaks your concentration and you end up being rather bored.

There is one and one reason alone to see this dull, uneventful horror flick: Billy Drago. Its very perplexing to me why an actor with his immense talent and underrated potential ends up in crapsack projects like this. Nevertheless, he is still captivating as a giggling, psychopathic, sleazy town sheriff and supernatural 'mummy'. But as for any parts of the movie without him: boring, boring, boring. Even the usually excellent Danny Trejo looks awkward and embarrassed playing a character whose dialogue consists of chuckling heartily to himself for ten friggin minutes strait.Avoid unless you're a die hard Billy Drago fan like me.

The opening scene is roughly 5 minutes of two men dragging a coffin followed by ten minutes of opening credits (THANK YOU DIRECTORS GUILD). The plot fleshes out fast and simply with not a thought to be wasted figuring it out, sadly it's a plot more akin to a theme park Halloween show than an actual film. The dialog is blessed with more expletives than Eddy Murphy Raw, while maintaining a fresh 'I've never heard actual conversations' kind of pace. Now don't go thinking this film is devoid of personality, why the opening credits star a very talented Tarantula who is for all practical purposes acting very natural. I think probably the most amazing thing about this 'film' is that somebody actually funded it and it found it's way to DVD. HOW? WHY? There are tons of student films made every year that have this film beat in every way possible. Here's a short list of what can be found here, breasts, vampires, mummies, cowboys and kung fu mummies (which are wicked nimble), all this to a hodge podge of music ranging from uninspired rock to ineffectual rap. Brilliant use of money and B-list actors.

All I would like to say is better job next time. This movie will probably act as a spring-board for all involved but honestly it is flawed in nearly every aspect.Not to write any spoilers, although talking over the flaws would give some of the story away. So I'll just write the 6 biggest flaws:1. Title sequence: this goes on for a very long time. Bored me to tears. 2. Sound: most if not all dialogue is inaudible. At times the music tends to totally obstruct everything. 3. Ghost Town: characters are totally unquestioning of their new setting, treating 18th century sheriffs as modern day police. 4. Romance: the two escaping heroes appear to be romantically connected but this is never pursued. 5. Ending: final ending making no sense. 6. Acting: Indian man laughing... if you watch this be prepared for irritation.The camera quality is very poor, but this is a low budget movie so that is be expected. Lot's of blurring or high frame-rates.Some of the gore is actually well done, however one scene shows blood coming from a gunshot wound to the foot, the blood is far too thin and even has a froth.In general avoid, but if you are into seeing others low budget work, certainly one for inspiration.