Zombie Massacre (2013)

DO NOT, I REPEAT, DO NOT RENT, BUY or SEE this movie - ever! Hitting your own head for 80 minutes against a stone wall will enrich your life more than this movie will. I've tried that and I can confirm. After hitting my head against the wall for 80 minutes I felt better and smarter than after watching this movie. If you do watch it, though, try to watch it in 1,5 increased speed. It becomes funnier and more convincing. I am a huge fan of Zombie movies, so I am used to see a lot of bad movies, but usually I am able to find at least something that is good about a movie. This piece of "art" on the other hand was the worst movie I have seen in ages, and I've seen really really bad movies. This one is an abomination. There should be a special warnig label for any movie Uwe Boll is involved. -Spoiler- The worst part of it all was Uwe Boll himself, acting in the role of US- President with the worst German accent I've ever seen in a production in English. Do you know Terry Pratchett Books? When Vampires in his books speak, it is exactly like Uwe Bols English. There is no TH, just a sharp z. Like Ziss is tze worst movie ever. If you thin Arnold Schwarzenegger has a bad accent, Uwe Boll puts that in the corner. The story is non existing, there is a Zombie outbreak in Romania or something close to a nuclear reactor and the plan is to blow the whole region up with a nuclear bomb, making it look like an accident. For that some soldiers of fortune are hired. One big bulgy American guy who is doing the job to get his daughter back(?!?!?), two eastern European numb-nuts who deserve what they are getting in this movie and a female named Eden who is supposed to bes some ninja like Asian über-assassin, but actually does nothing but weird poses with her katana. Then there is the daughter of the scientist who supposedly created this plague. Every character is introduced like that: First encounter with a complete stranger: Hello I am XY and this is my whole life story including very embarrassing personal details so the viewer knows my role in this crapfest of a movie. Nothing fits together inthis film and spending more words on this review is more than this abomination deserves. I hate you Uwe Boll, I really do. You make us Germans look so bad.

The US military tried to make a super soldier. (The film lost one star of five, there.) As a side effect, a bad strain of communicable toxin was released near a town in Eastern Europe, Romania specifically. (Spare me.)A small group of rejects are sent in to clean up the mess. They soon see that they are considered expendable. They encounter the daughter of the biologist who created the mess in the first place.Can the US military be thwarted and the world saved? -----Scores------Cinematography: 8/10 OK, mostly. At the end, the worst fake breasts I've seen in a zombie film.Sound: 6/10 If one is going to dub certain actors, at least hire a good voice actor, and give them reasonable lines.Acting: 1/10 Some human beings showed up, hit their marks, and read their lines, so I guess there was some acting. Accents are all over the map. Some actors are dubbed, badly. The samurai lady looks like she's never picked up a sword. The sniper is using a single-shot bolt action rifle from mid-20th century, and using it badly compared to the legend of his accomplishments.Screenplay: 1/10 Terrible dialog, not much of a story. Absurd origin tale of the outbreak. Cliché ridden.

I don't even understand how they find a producer for that (master) piece of crap.No clue about the public they were aiming, even with second degree it is hard to support.Cosmetic and make up are pretty well made.Pity it is so badly utilized.win time, don't even open the movie, it doesn't worth it.I am not even sure the actors had fun during the shooting, of course you are realizing you're not doing a nice movie. I pity them.I hadn't such a bad movie for a long time.In a way, that's amazing to see so many clichés in one movie.

It was bad very bad - the acting was utterly ridiculous it was almost like a comedy and the lines "so many wars , so many women" they truly have to be heard to be believed almost every scene there was a monstrously bad piece of dialogue "You know what a big pile of Shiite with flies around it looks like , I'm going to create a big pile of Shiite" - That was one of the more witty lines of dialogue! I am not joking you really really really have to see this for the dialogue - virtually every line was cringe-worthy.The main actor was about as dull as Mr Dull McDull from the town of Drab On The Island Of Very Very Tedious. Great name "Jack Stone" - I wonder how many movies have used this combo of hard nut naming convention? I can only presume he was hired not due to his miniscule acting talent but massive manly frame to go with the equally manly hard-nut name!As for the female sword wielding ninja mute - oh words evade me just watch it and you will see what i mean!To be fair the Scottish guy was actually quite funny with lines like "gonna slow it down chief I'm getting old" said in that pithy Glaswegian drawl - I am still not sure whether this was by design or pure fluke or perhaps because I empathise with a fellow Glaswegian forced to take part in this carousel of calamity?Zombie make-up was actually quite good but the whole thing was a disaster and more of a comedy than a serious Zombie flick - view it as a comedy and you might make it through the 1 and a half odd hours of torture!!!I am giving it three stars just because of the funny Scots mercenary!!! He deserves a badge for making it through this movie as do I!!! Was it meant to be funny and ironic - who knows but it has seriously messed with my head!!!