Satan's Mistress (1982)

When I'm hungry after cutting down a few hundred redwoods, I often enjoy a large stack of flapjack's. Generally I'll take a large one, lay a sausage patty on top, then put a chocolate chip on top of that. ZOMG! I've just described Lana Wood's tittays! Seriously though, this movie is not just for the woodsmen. It's for anyone who loves slappy flappy floppy sloppy mams, terrible sound work, and long romantic walks on the beach. Lana Wood longs for a "tall dark man" named Calgon® to take her away. She sees him in her shower. She feels him on top of her manhandling her flapjacks. She spends hours in the hot tub waiting for her man. This movie never ends. It goes on and on until you turn it off, or the world ends. That's totally OK with me.

Bickering couple Lisa (Lana Wood, sister of Natalie) and Carl (Don Galloway) move to an isolated beach house in an attempt to save their marriage. This doesn't work and lonely Lisa soon finds herself attracting a horny spirit (Kabir Bedi) that frequently seduces her and tries to possess the couple's daughter Michelle (Sherry Scott). Psychic best friend Ann-Marie (Britt Ekland) senses something is wrong and tries to stop it. This reminds me of the similar MAUSOLEUM but without the cool green lighting and effects. There isn't really much to this standard horror from director James Polakof as the first hour consists mostly of Lisa moaning and groaning as the General Zod looking spirit gives her the sexy eyes. There is a rather nice decapitation in here, but I had to deduct cool points since no one questions why there is a guillotine in the basement of their new home. The beach location is nice though and offers some early 80s location eye-porn. John Carradine has 4 minute bit as a priest who mutters some nonsense about "the devil attacking us when we are at our weakest."

If only the rest of the Bond girls were as dedicated to showing their assets as Lana Wood. I'd been looking for this movie for 14 years, having only remembered just one word of one of the alternate titles. Why has it been on my mind off and on for so long? . . . the best movie nipples of all time! (or at least that's how I remember them - now I have to find a copy!) As I recall, the plot was more or less irrelevant. That's not the point of this kind of exploitation movie at all. Showing some skin in embarrassing situations and leading up to that (or those) points is all that matters. It's not that this was the best skin flick or B film, the value of the movie rides on Lana Wood and I have to respect and admire her for all she was willing to show!

Plenty O'Toole... I mean Lana Wood, younger, bustier sister of the late Natalie Wood, plays a woman in an unhappy marriage who starts having a perverse love affair with a tall, dark, handsome stranger who happens to be a minion of hell. Well, at first the Hell-bound minion rapes her, but she later decides she likes it and they start getting it on regularly. After that, some occasionally stylish touches show up in this low budget sexploitation horror film. Film is really nothing more than excuse to show Lana's breasts (probably to distract from the sight of her horribly big hair). What's really disturbing is that this might have actually been based on a true story. Another Bond girl, Britt Eckland, also appears.