Passion Crimes (2001)

Yes, that is a phrase that you will find in this movie?. The actual line is: 'We found a knife registered to Mr xxx!. WHAT?. You are probably thinking that a movie with such an incoherent line is not worth watching for it's plot ... WRONG!. Although the story is simple and, at some point, stupid, the plot is not THAT unbearable; it is like the average story in B-grade sex movies. The movie starts showing this beautiful getting a flat tire while driving at night(or at least it was late enough for no light), which stranded her in some road. Since she is carrying her mobile phone, she tries to contact Road Service, and as she was talking, she is surprised from behind by some stranger who puts her to sleep using the typical soaked-in-whatever cloth, and then proceeds to kidnap her. When the police find her car in the road during their shift, they immediately get in touch with her husband, some rich man who spends his time wearing a rope and screwing his maid. Since he delivers a 'feelingless' reaction (no surprise, no worry), he is pointed out as the main suspect. He procceed to hire this really hot lawyer to take his case, but it will not take long for both to take their clothes off and start screwing just everywhere... The movie has some interesting things: for example, this rich guy is allowed to have sex with the maid since she was a 'GIFT' from his wife; then, the knife line; like those, you will find more.Honestly, the movie is not very good. Sure, it contains hot women (especially the lawyer) and one threesome scene, but in general the scenes are too slow and they lack of excitement. I usually enjoy any kind of B-grade soft-core movie, but I had trouble enjoying this one. Watch it if you want to see one of the hottest lawyers I have ever seen in a movie.

Let me begin by saying I'm a Susan Featherly fan. She's #9 on my Skinemax Top 10, and I try to watch as many movies of hers as I can; she usually does a good job in them. However, "Passion Crimes" was not one of her best films.Susan (using the alias Jen Dike in this film) plays Heather, a corporate attorney who has been pressed into criminal duty by her boss and on-again/off-again boyfriend, Jack. Her new client is Harry, accused of murdering his wealthy wife, Raquel (Diana Espen, aka hardcore pornstress April Flowers). It was Harry's "registered" knife that had Raquel's blood on it. Excuse me while I say that "registering" a knife is a ridiculous idea. This is exactly why the "Story" grade took a beating.Harry is sleeping with the maid, Rosa (Lauren Montgomery), whom his wife hired. It seems that she's trying to get her citizenship, but she sounded awfully American to me. Where's she from, Canada?Soon enough, Heather begins sleeping with Harry, and as she does with Jack, she mixes business with pleasure. Heather uncovers some evidence that apparently implicates Harry in the murder of his wife. On top of all that, Rosa gives her information that will surely put Harry behind bars for a very long time. Spoilers are imminent; be warned. Apparently, Raquel has not been murdered, but instead she was kidnapped. A dirty cop has been conspiring with Raquel's jealous, vindictive sister Lorisa (Kimber Eastwood) to extort money out of her father, money Lorisa claims was hers all along. This means Harry is innocent, right? Nope. Before he married Raquel, he was sleeping with Lorisa, and they made a deal that he would marry her and kill her Lorisa could get the money. A bit far-fetched. One really has to suspend disbelief here.Let's talk about the sex a bit. Mostly lots of slow hugging, with a bit of gyrating but not much. Even though there's a sex scene every 4 and a half minutes or so, they're not very good. In fact, they're average at best. A couple of decent ones in there, but I usually prefer quality over quantity. This wasn't a tapeworthy film at all, not even for the sex scenes.Women: B (A good-looking group, but no true "babes" in the bunch. Heather's two friends were the best looking in the group. As always, Susan Featherly was great.)Sex: C- (Lots of slow hugging and caressing going on, but no hot bump-and-grind action.)Story: D- (I'll give the writers credit for trying to throw a plot twist in there, so I won't give this film an F for the "Story" grade. Let's just say it wasn't very good, from the "registered" knife to the preposterous ending. I'm comparing this movie to films of its own genre, mind you, and I'm saying it wasn't very good.)Overall: D+ (Susan Featherly made a real turkey here. The only treat was to see her glide across the screen. She's actually a decent actress, despite all the softcore films she does. I can't move her up from the #9 spot, however; not after seeing this. Avoid it if you can, and don't waste any time taping it either.)

As the movie ends on HBO,with yet another cheesy sex scene, I am so appalled by how truly crappy this movie is. Although I do not expect much other than laughs from late night cable movie network softcore flicks, this one is one of the worst. The plot is impossible to follow, the sex scene are terrible. No noise just cheesy world music and the positions they are in remind the imagination that they are not even having sex, half the time he is bumping her in the thigh and when performing oral, his head is usually down by her knees. The girl is fairly hot, thats the only plus. The camera shots and angles look they were put together by an eight year old. If your looking for comedy, watch this film, if your looking for sex, rent a porno.

Cheap (and it shows), boring smut about a rich woman (Jen Dike) who is kidnapped and her sex addicted husband as the prime suspect but he doesn't seem to care because he's sleeping with just about every woman (including his maid and lawyer). If you rented this trash for the erotic (soft-core) sex scenes (played in slow motion), it's probably better to fast forward; otherwise, you'll be bored just waiting. Better yet, rent a porno film. My evaluation: (no stars).