Santa Claus Conquers the Martians (1964)

This is the absolute bottom of the holiday barrel, a trip through hell that one can never prepare themselves for. You think you've known pain? You've known nothing, to quote Samhain.On Mars, Momar and Kimar are worried that their children, Girmar (Pia Zadora, who also sang the horrifying song "Hooray for Santa Claus," but let's forgive her because she was in The Lonely Lady) and Bomar are watching too much Earth TV. The big thing they're all excited about is a live interview with Santa. But the kids have some pretty big issues - their education is fed directly into their brains with no individual thought.The wise ancient Chochem has seen this coming for centuries and says that Mars also needs a Santa Claus. The Martians are all pretty much assholes, so they decide to steal Earth's Santa instead of creating their own.Along the way, the Martians kidnap two Earth children along with Santa. Voldar, a Martian hardliner, disagrees with this idea and keeps trying to kill Santa and the kids. Yes, in a holiday movie meant for children, Santa faces death. Sadly, this film is so painful, children very well may cheer for Santa's doom in the hopes that this movie ends sooner.Then there's the wacky Martian named Dropo, who will challenge your will to live. There are all sorts of badly made toys, wacky hijinks and murder plots. The fact that parents would subject their kids to this travesty upsets me to this day.

Made in 1964 this film is a cult classic. Is it a great film? No! Is it fun to watch? Absolutely. Should you see? Of course. Is it safe for children? Yes. The plot of this film is that the children of Mars are in some sort of stupor. When a father goes to the supreme leader about the problems his children are having the leader tell s them that "Children are no longer Children on Mars". Eventually the Martians are told about how on earth they have Christmas and Santa Claus. The Martians then set out to kidnap Santa and they do along with 2 children. Santa however is facing a problem when he gets on Mars because one the Martians does not approve of his arrival. If your a child of the 1970's then chances are you have seen this film. It is fun to watch. You can't help but to laugh at the cheap looking "Saturday Morning Television" special effects.

The plot is pretty much as stupid as the title makes it out to be. Santa Claus conquers the Martians, is about Martians who decide to kidnap Santa Claus (John Call) just because they don't have one. Billy Foster (Victor Stiles) and Betty Foster (Donna Conforti) become stowaways on the Martian ship and befriend Santa. When they get to Mars, Santa actually doesn't conquer the Martians as the title suggests. He just spreads his Christmas cheer on Mars. But the evil Martian, Voldar (Do you get it? It's a combination of villain and Martian. The film is very subtle that way.) (Vincent Beck) is still angry and wants to ruin Christmas. So the kids and Santa gang up on him and attack him with all different kinds of toys. Yeah, the story is a pretty big mess. But it's just so stupid that it ends up being enjoyable. It's almost as if it knew it was a B-movie so it's just trying to have fun with it. Think about it. No movie with the title Santa Claus Conquers the Martian it really meant to be taken seriously. Merry Christmas.

Oh dear! As misguided family movies go, they don't come much more misguided than Santa Claus Conquers The Martians. A meagre budget does not necessarily spell doom for a film (check out some of Mario Bava's films, for instance, which had little money behind them but still emerged pretty good on the whole), but in this case the lack of funding is evident in almost every frame. The whole film is a desperately sad attempt to make a movie for kids and adults to enjoy together – kids are likely to be hugely unimpressed by the lame comedy and boring story, while adults will be depressed by the woeful acting, production values and plot. One critic wrote: "frankly, I am ashamed to be from the same species as the people who made this movie". Which sums it up. Perfectly.On Mars, the Martian children are acting strangely. They seem lethargic and depressed; Martian leader Kimar (Leonard Hicks) notices that his own kids are especially gloomy, and wonders if their obsession with tuning into Earth TV programmes is affecting them. The Martian leadership council summon a wise old elder to ask what he thinks is wrong with the kids. The elder (Carl Don) says that the Martian kids are not allowed to play, to have fun, to be young-at-heart, etc, and this, coupled with the fact that it is almost Christmas time on Earth, is making them unhappy. By watching so many Earth shows, they are learning all about Santa Claus and festive spirit, and feel like they're missing out. Kimar decides to take a unit of men to Earth to kidnap Santa (John Call) and bring him back to Mars to cheer up the children. They accidentally end up capturing Billy (Victor Stiles) and Betty (Donna Conforti), a couple of Earth children, as well as old Saint Nick himself. Trouble beckons when Martian subordinate Voldar (Vincent Beck), who has been vociferously opposed to the plan from the word go, tries to sabotage the mission by doing harm to Santa and the two Earth children.The sets wobble and bounce, the outfits look ultra-cheap and unintentionally funny, the make-up is pitiful (towards the end the green Martian make-up must have almost run out as the Martians look nearly white… unless there's a whole racist subtext at work?), and the performances are roundly terrible. Don as the elder is so awful, adopting a croaky drawl which makes him sound like a constipated cockerel, that the audience is reduced to guffaws during his scene. The others fare little better (Stiles and Conforti are wooden as the Earth kids; Call chuckles away inanely as Santa; and Bill McCutheon as comic relief character Dropo is so irritating one wishes one could strangle him and quietly dispose of him in the space garbage!) At least Hicks and Beck try to give interesting performances as bickering Martians, although the dumb dialogue defeats their efforts. Worst of all is the utter deadly dullness of the film. I literally cannot watch this movie in a horizontal position – I attempted to view it twice in bed, and was sound asleep both times within mere minutes. In the end I stood up and watched the movie whilst ironing to make sure I stayed awake. That bad, you ask? You bet ya!