Hard Ticket to Hawaii (1987)

Two law officers stumble onto a drug operation on an isolated Hawaiian island and are killed. Donna and Taryn are working for The Agency. They fly their small plane with honeymooners and a stowaway toxic snake infected with cancer infested rats. They leave the honeymooners on the deserted beach. Drug lord Seth Romero is transporting diamonds in his remote control helicopter but the girls intercept them while fighting off gun toting henchmen. The girls get help from Rowdy Abilene and Jade from the Agency as they battle Seth's goons at Edy's resort.There is no denying that this is intended to be a B-movie of guns and boobs. It has some limited charms if not taken seriously. The production is amateurish. The boobs from these Playboy models are big. The shootouts are done poorly and laughably. It's unintended comedy. The acting is slightly better than porn level. The lines are really cheesy to the point of being funny bad. I think somebody can come up with a great drinking game with this movie.

Wow. I've seen a few Sidaris flicks, but this one takes the cake for now. A lot of effort has gone into this one - really. You can tell by the one-liners (see summary, which is admittedly the best one), the almost spot on humour (see also the one-liners) and the crazy action scenes. Check the one with the dude on a skateboard rolling down a hill with a blowup doll as 'disguise', aiming to shoot (one of) our good guys (one of whom is 'Ridge' from 'The Bold and the Beautiful' - don't ask me why I know that) - he gets his target, but then gets blown to smithereens, as does the doll. One more I have to mention, or at least just a detail to get you interested: a Frisbee with razors... again with 'Ridge' playing a main part.Of course I was ready for some big bosom-ed action, but this was pretty wild, with plenty of gore and even an ugly contaminated snake popping up everywhere and nowhere you'd expect it to. And I should mention it has bosoms in it, did I mention that it has bosoms in it?A good 7 out of 10, which is the most a Sidaris film got from me, ever... so far.

I suspect that the bulk of my review for any Andy Sidaris movie will sound something like this: big boobs... blah blah blah.... guns... blah blah blah.... great ass... shower scene... blah blah blah.... jacuzzi... blah blah blah (which will save me a fair amount of time at the keyboard, I suppose). While this all sounds well and good, I'm only two movies into my 12-film Girls, Guns and G-Strings box set, and I'm already finding Sidaris's initially promising formula of big breasted babes, bullets and bad guys extremely hard work thanks to the the uninspired scripts and pedestrian direction.Hard Ticket To Hawaii actually proves even more tedious than its predecessor Malibu Express, with a weaker plot (hard to imagine such a thing is possible, but here it is) and less sex (although, admittedly, still plenty of nudity from a bevy of hard-bodied babes); even the film's sillier scenes—a skateboarding assassin and his blow up sex-doll being shot out of the sky by a bazooka, a bad guy killed by a razor-edged frisbee, and a snake infected with toxins from cancer infested rats bursting out from a toilet bowl—are so poorly realised that they fail to make this anything but a massive B-movie bore, albeit one with great tits and ass.3.5 out of 10, rounded up to 4 for IMDb.

After seeing some of the reviews on here, I had to set the record straight. This on Cinemax around 11pm almost every other night - so what does that tell you??? If you are looking for nudity (which I'm all for), then you will enjoy this movie (once you fast forward past all the other parts). But if you are looking for anything else other than a purely awful movie then you are in the wrong place. The plot is laughable and quite boring, and is only spiced up irregularly by all-to-brief nude scenes. Oh yeah, and there's like this totally fake-looking snake that goes around killing people or something. Worse than Anaconda (believe it or not). I can't even imagine anyone enjoying this movie even if they were drunk.