Nukie (1987)

The only reason I saw this movie was because Brad Jones AKA the Cinema Snob, said it was the worst movie he ever reviewed. Well, I think he might have found one or two movies that were worse, but it doesn't matter. This film isn't really a ripoff of ET, as it basically has no similar plot at all. I guess you could just consider it better than something like "The Pod People" which was a more obvious knockoff. This movie actually did make me laugh a few times with how bad it was, so I guess I'll give it that. That still doesn't excuse it from being a terrible movie.This movie tells the story of an alien named Nukie who becomes stranded on Earth with his brother in another continent. It really gets pitiful when the apes start talking. Now, it is stated that Nukie has the ability to learn any language, but that still doesn't make sense. How was he not able to understand the giraffe and the rhinos he saw earlier? Plus, the rhinos sound like horses! Besides that, the costumes in this film are terrible. I couldn't tell if they were meant to be like deformed monkeys or deformed bears. Nukie's friend is being researched on and manages to escape from the room without any explanation. Then he just goes back into the room. Why?! Nukie has the ability to teleport, but he doesn't use it at the end. Oh, and he can also accidentally make earthquakes or something. He just apologizes for doing that. Huh? There's also this weird subplot with a talking computer that has an evil laugh while still helping Nukie's friend. I don't know how they far they traveled or how they all met up in the end, but I don't care. *

...and yet based on what I've seen it is more than enough to write a review.WOW! That's the only word to describe this movie... Wow. It's not Monster A Go Go bad (nobody can work those kind of miracles) but it almost certainly is Night Of Horror bad. I haven't seen such a lazily put together film. Usually I can point out some kind of redeeming feature with films that can usually make me say "It wasn't good but at least this was going on"... With THIS. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, NO! NO!! NO!!! NO!!!! NO!!!!! What is the plot of this movie you may ask? Nukie and Miko are 2 aliens that have powers which the extent is yet to be revealed. They fly to Earth (not even in a spaceship I really mean flying... like Superman) and Miko lands in America and Nukie lands in Africa. Miko is captured by the United States Military. It's up to Nukie to find his brother on the other side of the planet ON FOOT.That's one of the biggest problems I have with this movie, Nukie can fly! It's established all throughout this movie and he doesn't use it? This is like trying to find an answer to a question with hours upon hours of research when the answer really is really in a book, circled and has arrows pointing to it. TAKE ADVANTAGE OF WHAT YOU HAVE.Not to mention that the puppetry of Nukie and Miko are by far some of the worst puppets I have EVER SEEN. Even the puppets you'd pay $5 for your kids to see would be better. Why? If they needed to blink, they'll blink. If they needed to open their mouths, they'll open their mouths. With these puppets they couldn't get it to blink in synchronisation and in the 40 minutes I did see of this movie they only move their mouths ONCE.I also have one question. Is this an alien movie or a talking animals movie? I thought it was an alien movie at first but he comes across some talking monkeys and they communicate with him. Is this the ultimate "Okay, we're not making a good movie so lets just shoe-horn this crap in." It wouldn't surprise me but... huh.Also I said I only watched the first 40 minutes, let me just some up half of the dialogue of that time "NUKIE" "MIKO". Not to mention that there are 7 times (I counted) where a man who we never see tells us exposition. Some within the same minute.The Miko scenes also are a really big drag to watch. Let me sum up all of them that I have seen. Miko gets experimented on, screams out "NUKIE" and cut to the next scene.I know I also bring up Nukie not taking advantage of what he has but neither does Miko. In the only other scene that isn't what I described above he goes into the room with a super computer so you'll think this is his escape right... WRONG! He hacks into the computer in the strangest way possible, without ANY guards and goes back on the table to sleep... HE IS ALMOST DYING WHY DOESN'T HE JUST WALK OUT THE FRONT DOOR, THERE CLEARLY ARE NO GUARDS THERE.So... Wow really is all I can say about this movie. I didn't even talk about the racial insensitivity they portray Africans in this movie but thankfully this movie clearly gives me an almost disruption of the 1000 word limit when I'm pointing out the problems. I can actually see a premise like this working. I'm not even kidding I can see the whole idea of "alien loses his family and goes on a journey to recover them." BUT when the aliens don't take advantage of what they've been given then I can't like it, even if the puppet could movie it's mouth I still wouldn't like it.

Difficult to parcel this chaotic, incoherent piece of kiddie-corrupting garbage into discrete movements, but let's give it a try. In the first part, alien Meeko is endlessly tortured and mutilated by American scientists while his pal Nukie wanders around South Africa and mutters. In the second part, Nukie gets to know some talking monkeys, humorous tribesmen and their cute kids, a nun, a drunk, and Steve Railsback (probably also drunk). In the third part, Meeko is first hypnotized by, then befriends a talking computer, while Nukie disco dances. In the fourth part, the 'witch doctor' tries various strategies to kill Nukie, including running around in fast motion. In the fifth part we sit around absolutely for ever waiting for the movie to end, and the taking monkey licks the snot that has been running down Nukie's face for the whole movie. Throughout, the actors either shriek each others' names for minutes at a time, or talk and look like they've been hypnotized by a computer too. The aliens' mouths don't move, and their rubber limbs crumple and squeak when they are touched. I'm guessing Pakleppa got brought in after writer Odendal botched the job; it appears to have been edited by a lumberjack with the spins. Actually copyright 1989, which is important: not just because this is exactly the kind of film that sits around for four years before it gets released, but because it means that this South African production was completed before, not after, Mandela got out of prison. This means that the stuff about how the bloodthirsty tribesmen should heed the moral warnings of the wise nun were symptoms of apartheid in its decline, not impositions of the World Bank. Another advertisement for Western enlightenment occurs when a snake bites one of the kids and his brother cleans the wound; Railsback insists on taking him to the hospital so he can receive competent treatment; when he asks the nurse how the kid is doing in the next scene, she goes "I have no idea - but I cleaned the wound." Three cheers for whitey!

If, by grace of God, you were epileptic, Nukie might just trigger a seizure. This would hopefully prevent you from watching the rest of this film. There are certainly enough idiotic lens-flare light effects and crap. I saw "Nukie" as a child; my father had rented it and has since been convicted by the Hague.From here on out, I'm not sure I can string together intelligible sentences to describe this film. It consists primarily of a disgusting little alien rushing around the desert, while his brother shrieks NUUUUUKEEEEEE approximately fourteen thousand times. Some kid gets bitten by a snake (cue stock "snake" footage). Nothing makes sense in this film. The snakebite at least limits the number of characters. These people spend their days rushing around shouting things like, "He's an alien made of PURE ENERGY!" Said alien just happens to look a bit like Grandpa, if you turned him inside-out. I can't stop crying. Even if you love campy movies, this one will break you.