The Number One Girl (2006)

The most retarded script, plot, acting and general movie.The acting is rather draining and so superficial. There's no emotion or convincing me these actors really fit the role. All Vinnie Jones does is act cockney and shout "slut" and "bitch" for most of the movie and Tony Shiena plays a horribly sporadic character who you know, you just want to stab.The music is horribly repetitive and sleazy, but well-played, but obviously not well-thought-of. Needed a bit more flesh and interesting movie conventions that a soundtrack needs.Just don't buy it, you know it will be bad and everyone is saying it and please don't recommend it.

Amateurish at best but boring at worst, "The Number One Girl" gives even pedestrian R-rated potboilers a bad name. Resist the urge to watch this direct-to-video tripe about a green-eyed gangster, a gorgeous gal, and cretinous action hero. Okay, I realize that Vinnie Jones of "Lock, Stock, and Two Smoking Barrels" endows this movie with some marginal marquee value, and I bought this DVD at a Movie Gallery clearance sale based on Jones and the "Karate Kid" star Pat Morita. The DVD box cover with a sartorially suited Jones holding two automatic pistols in a signature John Woo stance also lured me into shelling out my shekels this execrable epic. Moreover, clocking in at 85 minutes, I thought it would be a blast. Wrong on all counts! "The Number One Girl" makes "The Condemned" look like Oscar winning material. The star—real-life martial arts competitor Tony Schiena of "Wake of Death"—makes Casper Van Dien look like Sir Laurence Olivier. Mind you, Lisa McAllister is a babe, but she is not enough to make this melodramatic muck memorable. Production Manager turned director; Luc Campeau makes a pathetic directorial debut. Granted, "The Defender" scenarist Douglas W. Miller had a modicum of a good idea, but Campeau does nothing invigorating with it. The first big action scene in the beginning has no voltage—even though it's a movie-within-a-movie—and later scenes, particularly the multiple fights in the last quarter-hour are comatose. Incidentally, in the foreshadowing department, one of the characters uses the familiar "Star Wars'" line: 'I got a bad feeling about this." Gee, were they right! Vinnie, making crap like this is going to ruin your credibility. In fact, the less said about this forgettable film, the better. Peruse the other reviews for more details about this drivel, but don't rent, buy, or watch this wretched rubbish. Yuck! Yuck! Yuck!

I'm not sure why Pat Morita would agree to be in a movie like this. His performance was the only sort of acceptable part in the entire film and it was brief and insignificant. The script is terrible the acting is sorry and silly. The camera angles left me with a neck ache. The center of the movie was long boring and pointless. The action sequence at the end was both macabre and silly. The music was tedious and annoying. Every character was underdeveloped. The love story which was pivotal to the incredibly weak plot was insubstantial. Nothing! Not a single thing works in this movie. Only robots at the bottom of the screen would give this film a reason to exist.

This is a pretty amusing picture, as long as you watch it on fast forward. No, amusing is too generous. As a five to ten minute exercise in head shaking it is adequate. The more you watch the more you wonder who put up money for such a fiasco. *** SPOILER *** It's over an hour in before the protagonist irks the antagonist enough to to make him reroute the course of a ludicrous beauty pageant into a -- dare I say it -- martial arts contest. *** SPOILER *** Alert the media. Oh, wait, the media is already there. Anyway there are some guys in the control booth thinking they've got a hot number here. The more I think about what I saw the more pathetic it gets. The movie had a good poster. Probably has an okay trailer. Probably did okay at film markets. But the movie itself is boring drivel. Drivel is fine if it's entertaining. This is not.