2012: Ice Age (2011)

(Warning, this review is long. If you survived the movie, this review will be like a breath of fresh air.) Where do I even begin?Seriously, they should have paid me to watch this movie. I watched it for free on Netflix, (thank the good Lord), only because I love apocalyptic movies. Afterwards, I had to watch I Am Legend and read these reviews to feel any semblance of satisfaction. It's like cough syrup. Immediately after taking, you need to take something else to get that terrible taste out of your mouth.......except the emotional trauma inflicted by this movie is lingering.....much like the Aids virus.I created an IMDb account just to review this movie, and have never reviewed a movie like this before. It's just that bad.Let's start with special effects. The best special effect in this entire movie is the ending credits. The second best effect is when some hott college chick has a piece of glass sticking in her head. All the CGI cars, the horrid looking glacier, the unforgivable fake snow and snowfall, the chunks of ice flying through the air, the explosions, which I swear were just cheap fireworks shots without the cool colors, the planes….it was as if the director's blind, mute, and deaf grandmother did them.The effects of this movie were vile, wicked, and basically a sin. The only person I know of who would think these effects were not that bad would be the media director in my church...he has no eye for anything artistic, and it seems like he purposely chooses the absolute worst photos/videos that he can when making material for our church.....must like the makers of this film. Let's touch on the acting and general motivation behind this train wreck. I think the makers of this joke made a bet. I think the bet was, "I bet you can't make a movie worse than old time silent movies, while drunk, high, and over dosing on crack cocaine while simultaneously suffocating in space." To which the retarded toddler of the director replied, "Challenge accepted." The acting is akin to...a lion tearing apart its prey. Although that makes sense and has a purpose. This joke must have been career enders to these poor actors, or their careers were already in the crapper, and they took this job knowing things couldn't get any worse for them. I have literally seen better acting and more believable story lines in pornography. This joke was obviously a rip off of The Day After Tomorrow, which is a liberal's wet dream made into a movie. Now let's visit the unbelievable plot and sequences. I love the reused scenes. Roads were clear in the middle of a blizzard. They find some random guy and his son, and the guy is "trapped" under a metal shelf so incredibly heavy a parapalegic could push off of himself. Yes. A parapalegic could have pushed it off.Then the plane takes off in heavy snow, even though the runway is under several inches of snow. Oh my God, then when he lands the plane, there's a commercial airliner taking off in even more heavy snowfall, when we already heard that all air travel was grounded. Then fuel was pouring out of the plane, even though he said they almost ran completely out of fuel, and somehow, in the snow, this plane blows up, and we see no damage what so ever to the plane itself. Witchcraft I tell you! Witchcraft!I love how the dad doesn't run in his van and drive off when some creepy lunatic is trying to talk to him. I love how they can run across solid ice with no problems. I love how the autistic son only cares about being on his laptop and accessing the internet. I love how they get cell signal and GPS signal in a terrible storm, with a glacier traveling 200 mph crushing everything in its path. I love how the son has magically advanced technology to track his sister with a cell phone. I love how they find her so quickly. I love how the statue in front of the Rockefeller got destroyed, and the ball rolled into the building with the hott college chick and her boyfriend, in NEW JERSEY. Literally just rolled right across the street. I love how the dad is looking for his daughter and starts shooting in the air with a gun he found on some randomly frozen-to-death cop on a random staircase, like that would make me think, "Well, gunfire, people screaming, of course that's my dad looking for me!" I always tear up at movie events like this. Instead, I was hoping for one of those tic tacs to fall from the sky and crush them. I literally did not care about this family at all. And the ending......dear God, the ending! This retarded dad DRIVES TOWARDS THE GLACIER to get into the statue of liberty for safe harbor after finding his daughter and everyone hugging each other for what seems like a half hour. His car smacks into the base of the statue, and everyone is able to open their doors with no problem, even though one side of the car was crashed into the base! Then they get into the statue, and go up the same staircase for several shots. Then the glacier HITS THE STATUE with absolutely no impact and no destruction, and just stops. This powerful, 1000 mile wide chunk of ice is magically stopped by a couple missiles and the statue of liberty. This movie was so bad it made me angry…literally angry…but I finished. It's so bad it's hilarious. If you want to watch a comedy that's not supposed to be a comedy, like the first Aliens vs. Predator movie, then check out this masterpiece! Watch this movie with friends and family just so you can make fun of it together. Enjoy!

There are three NYU sites, only one near pictured Club Monaco; this is at 14 Washington Place, in the Village. The kids in NYC go into the subway at Steinway Street station. This station is in Queens, directly across from E 70th Street on the Upper East Side. So how did they get to Queens? They could have come out at this station (Steinway) if they entered the M line tunnel at Washington Place, but the trip on foot to Steinway from Washington Place would have taken hours, and would have them going east. Then guy tells girlfriend street leads to the Tunnel. The Tunnel is in Manhattan (double back, kids?)on the West Side near Canal Street, then on to the Hudson River entrance to the Tunnel. Another few hours to do that. Did anyone bother to look at a map of NYC???

For a cheesy disaster flick, I have to give this 6/10. Bad acting, bad science, major goofs, predictable plot. Highly entertaining and humorous for a disaster flick, if you enjoy poking fun at major plot holes and mishaps.I won't give away any plot details, but this movie had me giggling and shaking my head through the whole thing...not to mention yelling at the screen over certain errors and waving goodbye at predictable moments.*Please note: My rating is based off of how well it lives up to a 'cheesy disaster flick' rating. The movie was really horrible overall, but my rating is based on how entertaining I found it, based on criteria I look for in a cheesy disaster flick.

It was the best of times. It was the worst of times. It was 2012 Ice Age.Eight gold stars and here are the reasons why: First, the CGI was the best I've seen since 1982.Second, the writing was so amazing that the actors felt compelled to repeat the lines multiple times. And, the editors must have felt the same way about some of the camera shots.Third, Nelson. What can I say about Nelson? A fine young up-and-coming actor. He really captured the true moments of drama. Nelson's delivery of the line "Dad, get us out of here," made my heart stop...all five times he said it.Fourth, there come's a time in a National Guardsman's life when he just needs to wrap himself in a giant sleeping bag. Don't worry. You get to see it.Fifth, the movie continues to deliver top notch comedy when it introduces a new character briefly before she is pummeled by a giant glacier stone.Sixth, grrr...give me your jacket.Seventh, the movie suspends reality better than a giant glacier moving more than 200 miles an hour.Eighth, the movie gets its final and eighth gold star for declaring war on glaciers.