The Dungeonmaster (1984)

What the hell? Seems to me this movie only ran for an hour! Ah well, at least the experience wasn't too painful in that respect. Well I would say that this is a film aimed at kids except for the fact it opens with a scene of a woman stripping naked and being captured by mutants! Nothing is too weird for a film that comes from Charles Band's Empire Pictures, a studio renowned for making rubbishy movies before it went bust (and was of course replaced by Full Moon instead). Apparently this film is based on the once-popular Dungeons & Dragons game although you wouldn't realise from watching it.Basically, this is a film which exemplifies the '80s: the special effects are plentiful but cheesy and tacky, the monster suits look rubbery, the moronic humour is unwanted, and the acting is generally wooden. Most of this takes place in the dark, to either a) be atmospheric or b) to hide the edges of the sets. I would bet on the latter. The film's hero is played by the unremarkable Jeffrey Byron who doesn't convince for a second, and his character is even worse. To show how dated this film is, he has a talking computer which helps him out via a wrist-pad (!) and special computerised glasses which can withdraw money from a bank machine. It's pretty poor.The action begins almost straight away, with Byron being transported over to a fire-lit netherworld where his girlfriend hangs in chains for the rest of the film. The big bad wizard (Richard Moll from SURVIVOR) tries really had to be scary but his efforts go in vain: instead he just looks ridiculous and rather camp. From then on Byron must battle seven dangers in a bid to rescue the girl. These seven segments are so short that they can't really even be called "segments" as they have no story - they just show Byron battling various enemies. I find it hard to believe that seven directors were brought in to direct each of these few minute sequences! My favourite segment is the "Stone Canyon Giant" one in which Byron finds himself up against a huge statue which suddenly comes to life to kill him. Yep, it rips off JASON AND THE ARGONAUTS again but here they fight with lasers. Pretty bad but at least the stop-motion animation is cool, even if only on screen for a couple of moments. The second segment is entitled "Demons of the Dead" and as you would guess, it's a horror-themed one. Byron here fights a hideous gargoyle creature (pretty good effect from John Carl Buechler, who also directed) and some disappearing zombies. After a brief interlude with some animated dragons which seem to have come from a Disney film (!), there's a plot less heavy metal scene there just for the hell of it (directed by Charles Band, go figure). After a fight in an "Ice Gallery" where Byron and his character's girlfriend fight reanimated ice statues of historical killers (an idea later echoed in WAXWORK), the longest segment arrives in the form of "Slasher". I probably liked this one the best, as it actually has partly-developed characters in it and some okay action. It's still below average though.Another interlude shows a demon head in a flame special effect - cool stuff. Then the film stoops even lower as Byron lobs rocks at a demon in a cave (the "Cave Beast" apparently) and things are rounded off with an inevitable MAD MAX 2 rip-off scene involve chasing dune buggies. The only interest of these scene is that cult dwarf actor Felix Silla (from BUCK ROGERS IN THE 25TH CENTURY) appears in it for a minute. There's not really much else to say about this film, only that I wish it had continued in the same vein as the opening.

Do you love excessive doses of 1980s cheese? "Ragewar" (re-titled "The Dungeonmaster" to profit from the popularity of the Dungeons & Dragons game) is the movie for you! It's one of the most deliriously cruddy B movies that this viewer has seen from that decade. If you're anything like this viewer, you'll be smiling while also shaking (or holding) your head. It's that goofy. The acting is priceless, the special effects plentiful, the sequences blessedly brief, and it never pretends to be serious stuff. Hell, it's got to get an extra point for the cameo by heavy metal band W.A.S.P. alone.Each sequence is written and directed by a different director, and there are *seven* of them in total: Rosemarie Turko, John Carl Buechler, Charles Band, David Allen, Steven Ford, Peter Manoogian, and Ted Nicolaou. They each tackle a different "challenge" that computer repairman Paul Bradford (Jeffrey Byron) must meet as he is menaced by an overlord named Mestema (Richard 'Bull' Moll of 'Night Court') who's been looking for a worthy opponent. Also along for the ride is Pauls' imperiled girlfriend Gwen (Leslie Wing). Fortunately, Paul has on his side a computer intelligence that he's created that he can conveniently wear around his wrist.If you're still reading, you should have a fairly good time with this, knowing full well that the movie itself may not be "good", but earns many big laughs. Makeup effects expert Buechler and the late special effects artist Allen do some good work, the music is fun to listen to (both the score and the W.A.S.P. tune "Tormentor"), the acting from the heroes endearing if not that competent, and Band and company throw many different elements - a claymation giant, ice "sculptures", post-nuke mutant bikers, a serial killer, cartoon dragons - to help prevent us from ever getting bored.If I'd first seen this back when it was originally released, doubtless my rating would have been even higher.

A computer geek and his girlfriend get zapped into a dark underworld. She gets chained up by this evil sorcerer guy who compels the nerd to face seven different challenges in order to procure her freedom. The "challenges," each of which are directed by a different person, are little more than just scanty encounters with monsters, giants, bands(!), and explosives, each setting in caves, concert halls, or pyramids. Predictably, the nerd conquers all of them by way of his cheesy zapper watch. At the end of it, the nerd fights the sorcerer, and the victor of it all shouldn't be so surprising. That sums up THE DUNGEONMASTER, a truly heinous turkey with everything which defines a major stinker: hideous acting and even worse dialogue, zero direction, cheap sets, and lame plotting. The best part is that it's short, at 79 minutes long. Even as a generally tolerant fan of movies some would find unwatchable, THE DUNGEONMASTER proved to be not only a waste, but a totally uninteresting and immanently forgettable one. MYSTERY SCIENCE THEATER 3000 fans, beware: of all films, this has to be the absolute worst. If you dare to sit through this movie (and I challenge you to), expect to be disgusted through every minute. It's really that awful.

I walked out on a movie once. Just once. My buddy Howard and I walked out on a film. Seventeen years old, and we walked out on a film. About two feet of snow outside, and we walked out. My dad had dropped us off, and wouldn't be back for at least another hour (we sat through 30 minutes of it), but we walked out. Walked 2 blocks towards home before we were too frozen to go any further, but we didn't go back. Held up in a little newsstand that had 2 video games until IT was over, then we went back to be picked up.That film? The Dungeonmaster. (You'd have thought in some way it would relate to Dungeons and Dragons . . . but no.)